its been a while since bon iver
since “for emma, forever ago”
it was around the same time that I didn’t know which of the roommates I was in love with and it turned out it was neither
and the time I realized someone thought my clothes were ugly
around the time that the only time I spent purposefully alone was five minutes on a table in the sunny courtyard, assuming rightly that somebody would join me
it was efterskole, boarding school, end of childhood maybe

ive been here a while now
longer than halfway there
“there” being headed towards JFK returning to Europe
perhaps Denmark
that or Amsterdam
both more like what I knew
this is what I know right now:
– my amc membership allows me to catch the late show, alone, on Sunday nights, probably only one in the cinema, bringing my own snacks and walking home from 68^th to 74^th as the fruit shop closes and the employees of Harvest are sat outside to hang out before heading home
– alex left, is back in Tilburg, right now sleeping and soon getting up to go back to school
– alex was here two nights ago and we rode the subway dressed as john lennon and caroline wozniacky/generic tennis player
– I’ve had enough pizza for a week
– this red candle was a perfect purchase
– I almost jokingly described the two towers at 74^th and 8^th as lighthouses but it is not a joke
– bon iver will make me feel like im traveling to a different time, a simpler time and maybe I’m right now longing for lack of nuances
– I’m just here
– nobody knows where I am right now, I could be back in redhook or at the Dakota bar or wandering the fence of fort greene
– its all as it’s supposed to be but I need a good cry
– I think I need to look at water soon
– I know I need to start researching opera terms soon
– 18 people are living in apartments underneath mine,
and they’re kind
and they’re smart
and I’ve met them
and I’ve spoken to all of them
and I’ve had conversations with most of them
and I’ve hugged some of them
and I’ve cried in front of one of them
– and everything is as it’s supposed to be, but I need another good cry soon

how can it be that the sky isn’t the same for him?
how are the stars not the same,
if he got out of bed and looked up he’d see anything else
and how is he supposed to go to school
when he was just here
in my arms,
how does everything go on
when he got on the bus and left
did time travel with him on the plane or did it stay with me?
how can both be true at the same time
how is he about to wake up as I’ll get ready for bed
how is he right here with me at the same time
how was his visit loving and frustrating
how was is cute and annoying
how was it productive and lazy
how was it supporting and competitive
how can we hug and fuck
why can’t I cry right now
he’d tell me I need to get my pulse up
but I won’t go running right now
maybe I’ll go running when I wake up
when he calls me after school is over
when all things are true at the same time
and we’ll both say that we miss each other
and that we’re glad he’s back
how is it so sad and so completely important that he’s not here anymore
that he’s back to his life
and mine continues, a simple gear shift and it’s done
I’ll need a good cry to believe them to be true
all the things at the same time