- roommate playing music in central park
- fireworks at coney island beach
- buying porcelain chopsticks
- introduction before the show begins
- crunchy leaves and water bottle attached to belt strap
- bossanova: @baalti
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- iconic painting
- soon to be iconic shoes
- gorgeous lady(/ies)
- busy squirrel
- blinded partyfriend
- pretty fire escape
- thought provoking reading
- hilarious shortplay
- focused musician
- useful analysis
- eatable snails
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the way we’re connected now?
if I could apply that to 6 years ago
and make us be known to each other
to more than group friendsso that I would have known to be there for you
if I could know how important you’d become to me
if I had known that
I’d have gone to your fathers’ funeral
and I’d have helped you move
I’d have visited you in your new place even though it was inconveniently far away from a subway station
I’d have asked you the questions I’m trying to ask you now,
but they would be present tense and not past
I’d ask you how you’re feeling
how you’re going to talk to your brothers now
what you and your mom will be wearing when his urn is put into the ground
I’d listen to your ideas of gravestone inscriptions
and I’d suggest a comma or ask if you’d considered cursive
I’d take you out if you wanted to forget
and I’d keep you in if you wanted to remember
I’d look at you and see your tears
I’d listen to your sobs
and not to you talk about how you used to cry
your eyes are mostly dry now
not thanks to me
I couldn’t have known how we’d become
but I should have known to be there either way
because it hadn’t got to do with me
or me and you
but you and your brothers
and how you had to drive the car
back and forth from hospitals
and making sure your mother would eat
and a bond in loss needs all the strength it can get
and I didn’t contribute anything
nothing but a hug and a condolence
nothing to secure your knots to each other
not a dish less for you to clean
not an outlet for you to rant before calling them back, frustrated that they aren’t talking to each other,
nothing for you to lean on before stumbling into whatever mess you were in
I left you on a tightrope for you to walk, alongside your broken family of other ballerinas
how did you manage to land you all?
how did you stay strong on your own?
how were you strong for the others?
I guess from resilience rather than choice
and next time I’m faced with a choice
of attending the funeral of a father of someone I’m slightly friends with
next time,
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“fist of god” – MSTRKRFT
“girl, so confusing featuring lorde” – Charli xcx, Lorde
“everybody wants to rule the world” – Tears for fears
“outro” – M83
“Hard Imagination” – Morris DJ
“360” – Charli xcx
“daydream in blue” – I Monster
“mr roboto” – Styx
“CHARGER” – ELIO, Charli xcx
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love, hate & communities
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1.
do I work better with or without music
do I work better with or without a busy schedule
do I work better with or without feeling blueam I better with obstacles to beat
mountains to climb
am I better at ease, accepting what might come
am I best solo
or am I better as somebody’s someone?
am I at my best when I’m a girlfriend
or when I’m just a girl who sometimes loves this one other person very much
am I best on my own
knowing that the ones I love are far away but definitely there
or is it better when we’re all in a room, together, at the same table
is distance possibly the greatest way of loving?
many crushes and favourite songs ago I learned that the empty space of this one guy was way more meaningful to me than his actual company
is this still true?
is it horrible?
is it true though?
are things better when there are no conflicts?
when we all just agree that we love each other, oceans away,
no socks on the floor
or insecurities to devastate us
am I even a good aunt? When I keep forgetting to tell my sister that she can send videos on Signal and haven’t even sent her one myself?
Are they better off without me at the moment?
knowing I’ll return safely, probably,
at some point in the future
no one has time for all these people
honestly I did them a favour by removing myself from their equations for a while,
think of all those friends they haven’t seen in a while
that’ll be me now,
for a while,
I haven’t seen them in ages,
8 weeks,
and there’s no issue
it’s honestly never been this easy
is this what safety feels like? Or am I lonely or bored or self indulgent?
possibly all actually
at the same time
sitting at this desk
in this office I’ve been given on the upper west side
not really missing anyone
mostly wanting to go to chinatown tomorrow to stock up on frozen dumplings
knowing they’re all sleeping in beds across the globe
can love feel this indifferent?
can it still be love?
when it’s this much of a given?
at what point does it stop being love?
will it ever?
should I give them another call or is 5 months as much nothing to them as it is to me?
if love is everything, can it also then be nothing?
2
from afar
the one phrase I was certain I understood, deeply and profoundly and over the top dramatically,
but at some point, I think recently, it changed
Now it’s not longing for a love that will never happen,
not a one-way affection deemed to never return,
now it’s love happening abruptly, all at once, then not at all, from a great distance across the Atlantic perhaps
apparent in phone calls and messages and the distinctly familiar shape of the water tanks that made me think of them,
gone by the sound of the ambulance in passing,
ready to revisit at some undecided point in the future
thank you to all of you back home
thank you for loving me from afar
I promise I’m doing the same thing
I’ve got you on photos that I’ll be hanging on my new wall tomorrow
I’ve got you when I look out the window and thinking how I’ll explain the view to you when I return
I’ve got you when someone mentions Greenpoint and you’re the ones I want to talk about “girls” with and that one scene with the trash man (doctor) in the house with the fruit in the bowl
I’ve got you sporadically,
there will be days of podcasts of my favourite tv show and not a thread of you
there will be songs that we’ve listened to,
but this time I’ll only feel how much I love them,
blissfully self indulgent,
forgetting that you do as well,
then there will be weeks where you’ll keep appearing, the same childhood friend appearing in four different conversations during seven days, and I haven’t thought of her in years, how I’d wait for her at the top of the tiny hill every morning before we’d ride to school together,
tiny tall people on tiny teenage bikes,
I’ve got you when I imagine how ridiculously theatrical you’ll find me when I’ll be running around central park, latte in hand, feeling like a new york mom without anyone else to care for but myself,
I imagine you’ll laugh, be a tiny bit jealous, find it to be a little boring but probably, in the end, feel a slight sting of love towards me
that’s what I imagine but please correct my daydream when I return,
I love you and I can’t function without you in my life,
apparently that can be paused, though,
the physical aspect of it,
I am functioning to an a++ level at the moment and I haven’t seen you since July,
weeks and weeks of high quality functioning to say the least,
(or a least that’s how i feel as I’m writing this)
but it’s not that
it’s not
it’s really, really not that I can function without you in my life
it’s just that I don’t need you here, in this room, on the couch behind this desk, scrolling on your phone or sharing your thoughts of that article you just sent me,
I don’t need your body
I don’t need your company
I need your love and I need to know your bodies will be available when I return
so thank you for your availability
thank you for your invisible long distance love
I hope you feel it too,
I hope you’re planning how to tell me things
I hope you’ll keep calling me when you’re angry at somebody else
I hope you’ll not call me because you don’t need me for this either
I hope you’ll collect anecdotes and possibly send me one single meme when it fits too well to not,
I know you’re spending these months with all your others,
your other important ones,
the ones that make your everyday safe and fun and extravagant and I hope you’re not talking about me,
maybe you thought someone would mention me tonight because we’re all in the same friend group but then my name just never came up,
and on your bike ride home you might think,
huh,
and then the light turns green and you’ll keep on biking and that “huh” is the dearest flicker of love and I promise you I can feel it from here,
and I’ll “huh” you right back as I walk towards the C on 72nd and Amsterdam
huh
huh
a precious group of people in the back of my mind,
that’s you,
and don’t mistake my silence for indifference
don’t mistake my affection for solitariness as having grown tired of you
you probably haven’t
you’re not even reading this
because you’ve got other things to do
and how great is this?
a paralell life and a pause in how we used to love each other,
now we’re doing it differently
from afar
from time to time
maybe 5 months is a blink to you and you thought you’d call but the time just passed and your whole life happened,
and how great is this?
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(not chronologically)
– childhood friend came to visit me, both slept in same “bed” and bought amazing jeans and other greatnesses
– got new friend from Manchester through not as new friends from usa
– moved to upper west side, returned to Brooklyn for the first 2 nights for various fun reasons
– saw Sarah Jessica parker and the guy who’s Aiden recording a scene in West Village
– hung all my scrapbook material up on the wall in my new office (I have an office now)
– went to 6 bank meetings in 2 days (2 different banks) and finally managed to open an account
– went to comedy club
– spoke on the phone to my mom
– spoke very little on the phone to my boyfriend, though he did rescue me from a slight stress/anxious incident telling me that ofc im overwhelmed, prepare yourself sweetie
– went for a tiny run in central park
– cried a couple times
– watched an incredible show at an enormous theater on broadway
– times square by night
– started masterclasses
– went to introduction meeting with all my new dorm-mates and had multiple beers and conversations
– was offered and thankfully accepted a beer in a red cup from sweet trump supporters in the 4-hour line to enter stadium
– stood about 100 meters from Donald trump, recording what was remarkably close to an iconic villain speech called “We Are The People” from a play I’ve been touring with for 3 years
– saw a preview of an experimental play in a private townhouse in Clinton Hill directed by a brilliant genius
– coincidentally saw one of those same actors from Clinton Hill-play in rehearsals of a completely different play in east village
– took a bus in bed-stuy and swore in Danish trying to jaywalk to make it in time
– recorded and interviewed people at DJ-live recording event in bushwick, had a popsicle
– facetimed with other dear childhood friend
– celebrated birthday of new friend (ate a certain type of fries + walked on Highline)
– danced at The End and Nightmoves and Nowadays
– went to the memorial site on september 11th
– read 4 scenes in prep for upcoming masterclass
– had inspiring meeting with the Cultural Attaché at the Consulate General of Denmark
– got high and had a burrito
– texted my boss that he’s inspiring and that I’m thankful to have met him all those years ago
– made 4 illustrations
– went to tax id-workshop
– zoom meeting with my Danish theatre group back home
– coffee and conversation with a director/actor/producer
– bought multiple notebooks and pens but barely anything to put in the fridge
things that’ll have happened before the end of this week:
– gone to Philadelphia to help rehearsals of a dance performance at Philadelphia Fringe Festival, spend the night and go back to manhattan
– ferry ride to redhook with relatively new friend visiting nyc from England
– masterclass
– finished Mr. Robot season 4 for the 3rd time
– perhaps meeting with masterclass-coach
– hopefully solitary time on rooftop and, perhaps, with luck, visibility of 5-6 perfect stars just being right where they ought to be, living their best life
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- two towers, standing tall and leading me and the 18 others home if we’re lost
- mic stand standing
- two childhood friends reenacting the battle between hogwarts houses
- two new friends, pretending to be teenagers forgetting where arms go
- suitcase (moving) –> cat (in old neighbourhood) –> lamp (in new home)
- two dear friends pressed up against each other
- french press (used for coffee and possibly for luring new friends to hang)
- friends, family and strangers, all in memorial
- a rose in the name of someone no longer here
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today was not a great day
even though the content was mostly well meaning interactions with helpful people
but
when the system doesn’t seem to want you be part of it
all that the kind people can do
is tell you what your problem is,
not solve it for you –
let you know the next step
and wish you good luck
on your journey towards the next gated stairway to a bank account
a social security number
a post paid cell phone plan
honestly,
if my address on the top floor of the upper west side can’t get me there
how the fuck do you expect the people on the streets to stand a chance
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