the way we’re connected now?
if I could apply that to 6 years ago
and make us be known to each other
to more than group friends

so that I would have known to be there for you

if I could know how important you’d become to me
if I had known that
I’d have gone to your fathers’ funeral
and I’d have helped you move
I’d have visited you in your new place even though it was inconveniently far away from a subway station

I’d have asked you the questions I’m trying to ask you now,
but they would be present tense and not past
I’d ask you how you’re feeling
how you’re going to talk to your brothers now
what you and your mom will be wearing when his urn is put into the ground
I’d listen to your ideas of gravestone inscriptions
and I’d suggest a comma or ask if you’d considered cursive
I’d take you out if you wanted to forget
and I’d keep you in if you wanted to remember
I’d look at you and see your tears
I’d listen to your sobs
and not to you talk about how you used to cry
your eyes are mostly dry now
not thanks to me

I couldn’t have known how we’d become
but I should have known to be there either way
because it hadn’t got to do with me
or me and you
but you and your brothers
and how you had to drive the car
back and forth from hospitals
and making sure your mother would eat

and a bond in loss needs all the strength it can get
and I didn’t contribute anything
nothing but a hug and a condolence
nothing to secure your knots to each other
not a dish less for you to clean
not an outlet for you to rant before calling them back, frustrated that they aren’t talking to each other,
nothing for you to lean on before stumbling into whatever mess you were in
I left you on a tightrope for you to walk, alongside your broken family of other ballerinas
how did you manage to land you all?
how did you stay strong on your own?
how were you strong for the others?
I guess from resilience rather than choice
and next time I’m faced with a choice
of attending the funeral of a father of someone I’m slightly friends with
next time,