too small and how long

I used to have photos of my Danish friends glued onto my new york wall
Now I’ve got front pages of new yorker-magazines glued onto my Danish wall in a desperate attempt to not forget
I got the pictures from the disposable camera
They’re dark and grey and blurry
There’s some of josh and colleen
But it’s like dan and caitlyn never existed
I don’t know how to start my scrapbook
I started it but I did it wrong, I should have printed more photos,
I don’t want to immoirtalize them in my scrapbook I wanna keep them alive in my life

I could just go back
And forget all about the nest I’ve been building
I’ve been saying over and over this week,
“I wanna live small for a while” but it’s a motherfucking lie

I miss the scyscrapers

I miss the park

I miss le bain

I miss here arts center

I miss the director, the composer, the stage manager and the performers,

I miss the colleagues

I miss the roommates

I miss the administrator of the house I called home

I miss grays papays

I miss the breakfast rolls and the bagels with lox scallion cheese

I miss my view

I miss the colour of my duvet cover

I miss the sink

I miss the rats and enjoying the fact that I hate them a little less than most of my friends

I miss the memes

I miss the trains

I miss coney island

I miss the locations of mr. robot

I miss the frozen dumplings

I miss having places I wanted to go to

I miss having a list of places I wanted to eat

I miss being on a train and googling a mr. robot shooting location and getting off at the next stop and there it was

I miss essex house

I miss the shuttle to grand central

I miss Ronkonkoma

I miss gates ave

I miss other people’s clothes and i miss DuPoint

I miss bossanova and I miss the M train

I miss st. ann’s

I miss alex

I miss the secret rooftop and the view of Brooklyn bridge

I miss the view of Manhattan bridge

I miss the view of the Manhattan skyline and the stupid statue of liberty

I miss redhook

I miss Hannah who was a visitor like me

I miss knowing where to go

I miss my mountain bike and the memory of how I got it

I miss josh

I miss the tiny plant I bought after 3 days and I hope Claudia and alberte has kept it alive

I miss the stupid elevator

I miss the stupid marble steps

I miss the glorious skylight

I miss the trash bags on the enormous sidewalks

I miss off-off-broadway theaters

I miss discount websites with $12 tickets to LaMaMa

I miss writing everyday

I miss drawing every week

I miss reading on the subway

I miss walking through the meat packing district in the sun

I miss learning about opera

I miss using my text analysis skills

I miss carly and hope to see her again

I miss dan and wish he was here

I hope colleen’s job will continue to be exciting

I hope caitlyn’s well

I hope alex will reply to my text

I hope justin’s ok

I hope the homeless man outside of gray’s papays isn’t too cold

I hope there are trans flags in the windows

I hope sidse’s doing good

I hope kristin’s taking a break

I hope the new resident of my apartment is chill

I hope the sun’s back at the rooftop after a long winter that went by in 3 seconds

It’s almost been 2 months
And I’ve been so busy rebuilding my life in Copenhagen
That I’ve forgotten to nurture the life I left in new york
I’m gonna text josh now
And this will be my life for a while
Bouncing back between missing friends abroad and appreciating friends nearby,
Grieving the loss of endless opportunities while building other, smaller ones
Buying an apartment with my boyfriend,
living out one dream,
Knowing it’ll never be 36West 74^th
I wanna live small for a while
but how small is too small and how long is a while