1.
do I work better with or without music
do I work better with or without a busy schedule
do I work better with or without feeling blue
am I better with obstacles to beat
mountains to climb
am I better at ease, accepting what might come
am I best solo
or am I better as somebody’s someone?
am I at my best when I’m a girlfriend
or when I’m just a girl who sometimes loves this one other person very much
am I best on my own
knowing that the ones I love are far away but definitely there
or is it better when we’re all in a room, together, at the same table
is distance possibly the greatest way of loving?
many crushes and favourite songs ago I learned that the empty space of this one guy was way more meaningful to me than his actual company
is this still true?
is it horrible?
is it true though?
are things better when there are no conflicts?
when we all just agree that we love each other, oceans away,
no socks on the floor
or insecurities to devastate us
am I even a good aunt? When I keep forgetting to tell my sister that she can send videos on Signal and haven’t even sent her one myself?
Are they better off without me at the moment?
knowing I’ll return safely, probably,
at some point in the future
no one has time for all these people
honestly I did them a favour by removing myself from their equations for a while,
think of all those friends they haven’t seen in a while
that’ll be me now,
for a while,
I haven’t seen them in ages,
8 weeks,
and there’s no issue
it’s honestly never been this easy
is this what safety feels like? Or am I lonely or bored or self indulgent?
possibly all actually
at the same time
sitting at this desk
in this office I’ve been given on the upper west side
not really missing anyone
mostly wanting to go to chinatown tomorrow to stock up on frozen dumplings
knowing they’re all sleeping in beds across the globe
can love feel this indifferent?
can it still be love?
when it’s this much of a given?
at what point does it stop being love?
will it ever?
should I give them another call or is 5 months as much nothing to them as it is to me?
if love is everything, can it also then be nothing?
2
from afar
the one phrase I was certain I understood, deeply and profoundly and over the top dramatically,
but at some point, I think recently, it changed
Now it’s not longing for a love that will never happen,
not a one-way affection deemed to never return,
now it’s love happening abruptly, all at once, then not at all, from a great distance across the Atlantic perhaps
apparent in phone calls and messages and the distinctly familiar shape of the water tanks that made me think of them,
gone by the sound of the ambulance in passing,
ready to revisit at some undecided point in the future
thank you to all of you back home
thank you for loving me from afar
I promise I’m doing the same thing
I’ve got you on photos that I’ll be hanging on my new wall tomorrow
I’ve got you when I look out the window and thinking how I’ll explain the view to you when I return
I’ve got you when someone mentions Greenpoint and you’re the ones I want to talk about “girls” with and that one scene with the trash man (doctor) in the house with the fruit in the bowl
I’ve got you sporadically,
there will be days of podcasts of my favourite tv show and not a thread of you
there will be songs that we’ve listened to,
but this time I’ll only feel how much I love them,
blissfully self indulgent,
forgetting that you do as well,
then there will be weeks where you’ll keep appearing, the same childhood friend appearing in four different conversations during seven days, and I haven’t thought of her in years, how I’d wait for her at the top of the tiny hill every morning before we’d ride to school together,
tiny tall people on tiny teenage bikes,
I’ve got you when I imagine how ridiculously theatrical you’ll find me when I’ll be running around central park, latte in hand, feeling like a new york mom without anyone else to care for but myself,
I imagine you’ll laugh, be a tiny bit jealous, find it to be a little boring but probably, in the end, feel a slight sting of love towards me
that’s what I imagine but please correct my daydream when I return,
I love you and I can’t function without you in my life,
apparently that can be paused, though,
the physical aspect of it,
I am functioning to an a++ level at the moment and I haven’t seen you since July,
weeks and weeks of high quality functioning to say the least,
(or a least that’s how i feel as I’m writing this)
but it’s not that
it’s not
it’s really, really not that I can function without you in my life
it’s just that I don’t need you here, in this room, on the couch behind this desk, scrolling on your phone or sharing your thoughts of that article you just sent me,
I don’t need your body
I don’t need your company
I need your love and I need to know your bodies will be available when I return
so thank you for your availability
thank you for your invisible long distance love
I hope you feel it too,
I hope you’re planning how to tell me things
I hope you’ll keep calling me when you’re angry at somebody else
I hope you’ll not call me because you don’t need me for this either
I hope you’ll collect anecdotes and possibly send me one single meme when it fits too well to not,
I know you’re spending these months with all your others,
your other important ones,
the ones that make your everyday safe and fun and extravagant and I hope you’re not talking about me,
maybe you thought someone would mention me tonight because we’re all in the same friend group but then my name just never came up,
and on your bike ride home you might think,
huh,
and then the light turns green and you’ll keep on biking and that “huh” is the dearest flicker of love and I promise you I can feel it from here,
and I’ll “huh” you right back as I walk towards the C on 72nd and Amsterdam
huh
huh
a precious group of people in the back of my mind,
that’s you,
and don’t mistake my silence for indifference
don’t mistake my affection for solitariness as having grown tired of you
you probably haven’t
you’re not even reading this
because you’ve got other things to do
and how great is this?
a paralell life and a pause in how we used to love each other,
now we’re doing it differently
from afar
from time to time
maybe 5 months is a blink to you and you thought you’d call but the time just passed and your whole life happened,
and how great is this?
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